The Ultimate EO Fan Fiction
by Bellatrix wannabe 89
Summary: Complete with heavy sighs, intense creepy stares, a fight with Kathy and the kids, and a breakup that lasts all of three seconds; this is every bad EO fan fiction you've ever read, rolled up into one great big sexilicious story.


I own no one

A/N I know I got like a thousand other stories I should be updating, but I just couldn't help myself

Paperwork was being complained about, Munch was shouting off conspiracies, and thirteen people had succeeded in kidnaping Olivia..

All in all it was a pretty normal day for the detectives of the Special Victims Unit.

Elliot and his adoring, oceany, amazingly hot, beautiful, gorgeous, soulful, crystal clear blue eyes looked up at his partner and stared at Olivia, sighing loudly, ignoring the other people in the precinct who were very creeped out about the fact he was staring at her so long and so intently.

He sighed once more, longer this time, until he had not a particle of oxygen left in him and he nearly choked and was forced to grab his coffee and taking several drinks of it, taking long deep sexy breaths after.

Fin looked up from his paperwork towards Elliot who had gone back to staring intently at Olivia.

"Hey man, you okay?"

But Elliot could not be bothered by such an idiotic and mundane question as this, so he blatantly ignored him in a sexy manner.

When he received no response, Fin tried once more. "Elliot, are you alright?"

Huffing angrily, Elliot forced his eyes away from her and turned to Fin, glowering at him.

"What?" he snarled angrily, but in a sexy manner..

"Um, you were just kind of choking, and I wanted to see if you were okay."

"That was not CHOKING!" he roared, "that was me sighing long and heavily because people who are in love sigh a lot!"

Munch looked up from his own paperwork and narrowed his eyes in confusion."No you don't. I've been in love lots of times and I don't think I ever sighed long or hard enough to choke myself."

Elliot rolled his beautiful sapphire like eyes to the sky, scoffing loudly, "well you have obviously never read Teen People!"

Shaking his head at his two colleagues who looked even more confused than before Elliot spoke, Elliot sat back down at his desk and sighed once more, only this time making sure he stopped before he lost his breath again and continued to stare at Olivia like a 109 year old sparkling vampire would.

Olivia finally looked up and the moment she did, Elliot looked back down at his paperwork, because everyone who has seen A Very Potter Musical on youtube knows you never tell a girl you like her because it makes you look like an idiot.

Olivia and her choclatley coco puff, muddy colored eyes feasted upon the beauty that was Elliot Stabler. From his full head of hair, to his rippling muscles you could clearly see through his shirt and jacket, to his face that looked like he was only thirty three years old, even though he was close to fifty.

Elliot glanced up and smiled at her, and she blushed so furiously that causal people passing by literally through she was Satin and they then proceed to run screaming into the streets.

"Hey, Liv. Elliot said sexily after several more seconds of staring creepily into one anthers eyes. "Would you uh... um I mean... well what I meant to say was... well... I kind of want to... well..."

"Go out to dinner with me, bring you to my home, have sex on my couch, and get me pregnant with a little girl who shares absolutely none of our parents or other ancestors traits?" offered Olivia hopefully.

Elliot nodded... sexily before both detectives stood up at the exact same time.

"Captain" Elliot shouted.

Cragen came out of his office, confusion in his plain old boring eyes.

"Yes, detective?"

"I know it's only three in the afternoon, and we're scheduled to work until seven, but me and Olivia re heading out to have completley non fat take out because we live in New York city and that's all there is to eat here, have romantic quick sex, and then I'm gonna get her pregnant, so we're heading out early."

Cragen looked at them in a very confused and UN sexily way. "But you're supposed to work until eight. You can go then, but that's five hours away."

"I knew it!" Olivia screamed, sobbing hysterically, "I knew we could never be together and that our work would interfere"

Sobbing hysterically; she ran off like the girl in the hall way scene from the only good 'Scary Movie' movie.

Cragen looked at Elliot who was looking longingly after Olivia, sighing once more, but this time it was a sad, albeit still sexy, sigh.

"What did I say? I don't mind that you two are a couple, just as long as you both continue to act professional. Ill go talk to her, I guess."

Elliot shook his head, sighing in a saxy way, which is the new term for sad and sexy at the same time, "No, ma. Yellow's my dog, I'll do it."

Leaving the much less sexy people behind, Elliot strode to the entrance, his shirt and pants nearly ripping because of all the huge, bulging, mannish, sexy muscles.

Elliot found Olivia outside, sobbing hysterically, and Elliot sighed again, but this time it was a happy cute, enduring sigh.

Olivia whipped towards him, the tears instantly stopped, and she wiped them away until two scars had formed under her eyes, because anyone who reads J-14 knows you never cry in front of boys because it makes you look weak.

"Hey, Elliot. I didn't see you there."

"I know," he said looking at her long and hard, and he was forced to turn away from her as he became long and hard.

Elliot took a few sexy deep breaths before he turned to Olivia once more, his big, ocean, amazingly sexilicious blue eyes never leaving her own chocolatly coco puff brown eyes.

"Liv, he sexily said, looking at her sexily in a very sexily way that only Elliot could sexily look, "I think I'm in love with you

Olivia gasped loudly as she turned to him, smiling like a weird homicidal British clown.

"Do you really mean it?"

Elliot turned dramatically towards her, nodding... sexily. "Yes. And by god, Liv, your eyes are practically sparkling right now."

"Oh, Elliot... that's because of the new Hot Topic Twilight glitter eye shadow I wore today."

Olivia pulled the shiny, sparkly thirty dollar tiny case of eyeshadow out of her pants pocket. "It has Jacob on it," she explained.

Elliot glowered at her in a menacing, sexy look, hastily turning away from her once more. "You... you're Team Jacob?"

Olivia's face fell as she nodded slowly. "Yes... why."

"No!" Elliot shouted, hitting the ally wall, followed by the door, followed by several British orphans who were on their way to go feed starving homeless kittens.

"Elliot, what's wrong?" Olivia asked, stepping over one of the orphans, grabbing his arm and holding on so tight her nails cut in his arm.

Elliot shook his head, disgusted. "Don't you see, Liv? We can never be together!"

"Why?" she screamed, her tears falling so hard it created a little river for the cockroaches on the ground. "You said you loved me!"

"I do!" he roared in both heartbreak and annoyance, "But you don't understand, Olivia! I'm Team Edward!"

Olivias eyes widened so big that casual passer buyers thought she looked like an Anime character cutout.

"What? You're Team..._Edward_?"

Elliot sighed, this time in just sadness with just a pinch of anger. "Yes. I'm Team Edward. Don't you see, Olivia? We can't date... it's impossible, it'll be too difficult knowing that we now know what we now know about one another... no, now that we know, we can't do this now. After all, anyone who has read Tiger Beat knows what Twilight Team you're on defies who you can and can't be with."

Olivia looked at him for precisely seven point five nine seconds.

"Elliot Stabler, you look long and hard at me now!"

"I'm too depressed to be long and hard for you, Liv."

"I want you to look... with your eyes," she said, pausing for dramatic effect.

Elliot turned sexily at her, a sexy albeit depressed in a cool, modern Emo fashion.

"I don't care if you like a emotionally and sexually abusive, psychotic, controlling, unrealistic vampire... I love you for you. Not for your team. I'm twenty three years old, Elliot," she said as she smiled at him, the massive crows feet in her eyes disappearing some. "I need stability. You're Stabler, and that's pretty damn close to stability."

Elliot had to force the smile on his lips due to the botox he had just taken and chuckled warmly like a creepy old man who is wearing nothing under his long black trench coat.

"And I guess I don't really care if you like a controlling, sexually abusive, pedophile Were Wolf with an anger problem."

"Shape shifter."

"Whatever. But I can't deny the fact that I love you, Liv, even if I am married with five children, one of whom you helped give birth to."

They stared into one another eyes until both felt their eyes burn from both the passion, and the fact their retinas were drying out.

Elliot moved first, and Olivia moved second, and the orphan unconscious on the ground moved third, but they both kicked her in the head, and now they were back to just being first and second.

He lips collided against hers, and ignoring the bleeding that his teeth caused, Olivia opened her mouth as wide as it would go, Elliots tongue going so far down her throat, it literally choked her, and he only pulled out when he noticed that she began to go blue like an unoriginal and way to overly hyped Alien with a Jamaican accent.

They both stood there panting for a moment holding one another in their arms.

"I love you so much," Elliot muttered as he sighed happily and sexily.

"And I love... oh crap."

Elliot turned around and sighed, this time in a very annoyed way as Kathy and Kathleen walked over to him.

"Elliot?" Kathy gasped as she got nearer to them. "What are you doing?"

"I'm in love with my partner!" Elliot shouted, holding Olivia closer to him, petting her like a cocker spaniel. "And I'm not going to hide it anymore!"

Kathy looked between Olivia and Elliot and took a deep, shuddering breath and nodded.

"Alright... I mean, if she makes you happy then I'm happy."

Kathy looked at Olivia and smiled kindly at her. "Welcome to the family, Olivia."

"Damn it, Kathy, she's not a whore!" Elliot shouted at her.

"But I didn't say,-"

"I'm not in love with you anymore! I haven't been in love with you since I met Olivia! Why can't you just accept that?"

Kathy looked at him in confusion. "But I do accept it. I like Olivia, she's never treated me wrong, she helped deliver my child, saved you, looked out for you. I think you two would be a perfect couple."

"Will you just stop hating her! She's apart of my life now, and you're going to have to learn to deal with that!"

"But I-"

"Will you shut up about her? I'm done with you, Kathy!"

"Um, dad, you alright?" Kathleen asked.

Elliot shook his head. "Great. Now my own children hate her! Don't you understand that we're in love!"

"But I don't hate her. And I'm twenty two, it's not like I'm gonna go act like some immature thirteen year old and start hating it because she isn't mom. "

Elliot put a hand to her face, shaking his head in disgust both from Kathleen's words and the pigeon feces that had just landed on him.

"I'm sorry, Kathleen, but I love her, and she's not going to go away anytime soon."

"I know, I just said-,"

"Kathleen, I'm not gonna try and be your mom," Olivia said as she finally pulled out of Elliot's embrace. "I'll love you like a daughter, but you already got a mom."

"I know. Guys, I really don't care."

Olivia managed her composure for several more seconds before she began sobbing once more, and Elliot hugged her so tight he almost cracked one of her ribs, but there's no pain in love so it didn't hurt.

"Your daughter hates me!" Olivia sobbed into Elliot's shoulder.

"Just leave! Elliot snapped at Kathleen and Kathy.

The two blondes looked at one another before they walked away, muttering in confusion about what had just happened.

"I never should have admitted my feelings for you!" Olivia sobbed harder than before, "this is all just one big screwed up mistake!"

Elliot took a step back from her and lifted her head with his finger, feeling like a miniature superman.

"You listen to me, Olivia Jayne-Magdalena-Hargitay-Mariska-Hermann-Mansfield Benson... I love you, and our love could never be a mistake!"

Olivia's tears abruptly stopped and she smiled at him once more, looking like a homicidal British clown once more.

"Really?"

Elliot nodded before he got down on one knee. "Really."

Olivia gasped loudly as Elliot so happened to pull out a fifty billion carat ring he happened to have in his pocket.

"Olivia, even though we just started dating three pages ago... will you marry me?"

"Yes!" Olivia screamed louder then anything anyone had heard before.

Elliot, now temporary deaf, stood up and slipped the ring onto her finger before she jumped into his arms, wrapped her legs around him, and kissed him with more passion than had ever existed in an EO fanfic before.

The End


End file.
